if I ever become a saint, i will surely be one of darkness...

for many years, mother teresa took many steps to hide her pain and depression from the general public or anyone who did not need to be aware of such difficult truths. the words above were written in september of 1959, two years after she had written an archbishop in calcutta, disclosing the truth of the excruciatingly painful life she lead, on an all-too-often basis:

there is so much contradiction in my soul.—such deep longing for God—so deep that it is painful—a suffering continual—and yet not wanted by God—repulsed—empty—no faith—no love—no zeal.—Souls hold no attraction—Heaven means nothing—to me it looks like an empty place—the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God.—pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything. For I am only His—so He has ever right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God.'

from two years after she arrived in calcutta at age eighteen, many said that mother teresa struggled with severe, life-long depression. with a narrative like that, what may have inspired mother teresa to follow the calling that she did? at age eighteen, was she aware of the pain such life-long ministry may produce? and just as importantly, why does the 20th century, american church not speak more of the apparent pain involved in such faith and sacrifice? maybe it has to do with the fact that such difficult topics are avoided and instead, are replaced with an overemphasis on verses such as these:

'Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.' -Psalm 37:4(ESV)

and what of our 1st-century imitators of Christ, who lived lives of a loving, but almost masochistic fashion? tacitus, a senator and historian of 1st century Rome, reported in some detail, what pain they endured for many of the theological choices they made for themselves in response to the Gospel (from the Annals 15.44, translation modified slightly from Church and Brodribb):

'nero fastened the guilt and inflicted the most exquisite tortures on a class hated for their abominations, called Christians by the populace... accordingly, an arrest was first made of all who pleaded guilty; then, upon their information, an immense multitude was convicted, not so much of the crime of firing the city as of hatred against mankind. Mockery of every sort was added to their deaths. Covered with the skins of beasts, they were torn by dogs and perished, or were nailed to crosses, or were doomed to the flames and burnt, to serve as a nightly illumination when daylight had expired.'

contrary to popular opinion, i believe that often on this Earth... the Lord does not show up in any sort of tangible way that one may expect. with this being considered, I believe the american church has a lot to think about, in how often they promote 'faithfulness in light of promise.' and how does this line up with regards to having faith in the spiritual protection of the Lord? According to 1 Corinthians 10:13...

'no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. and God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. but when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.'

after over ten years of pursuing truth in christianity, looking for God wherever I could find him, I have seen many individuals turn from their faith, many of whom had no intention or desire of leaving, but only did because they 'could not find God anywhere.' in reflecting upon many documentaries, interviews, and conversations over the years, these individuals seem to be exposing themselves in the most sincere manifestations, crying over the numerous nights they called upon the Lord all night, in hopes that he would deliver them and make Himself known to them. often it seemed, the good Lord did not show up.

the point in making observations of this nature is not to try to take on God, pointing out supposed flaws in the character of the Lord, almighty. rather, it is my prayer that Christ's body of believers come to acknowledge (whether through scripture, general, or special revelation) that we are promised very little on this earth. many of us were raised in churches among leaders, who often pointed towards a 'The Alchemist' type of ideology, where if we try hard enough and have faith (as long as we are in line with God and what we know of Scripture), the good Lord will find us, deliver us, and answer our prayers in a positive, immediate, and tangible way. however, as seen above, this does not seem to be the case; many faithful, third-world children will die without food in their stomachs and many faithful single individuals will die without a desired spouse at their side. maybe the only thing the world and Christ's followers are promised is that one day, many ages after our worldly selves are gone... is that the world will be restored back to its original state and that our souls will then be reunited with the reality of Truth. until then, let us not make empty promises from the pulpit, in the name of the Lord, when in reality, those promises may never come true.

considerations of a commonly regarded, metropolitan bastard

*this writing is based upon a blog that a distant, but dear friend (Jonathan Taylor), wrote a ways back about a brilliant theologian named GK Chesterton, who was known by some to have "smoked as prodigiously as he drank wine, ate, talked, and above all, wrote." the piece is in reference to a historically poor and neglected neighborhood in London, named Pimlico.

(although Los Angeles is almost never regarded as "poor and neglected," most Angelenos know the depravity that has the potential to break down many of it's inhabitants, often to the point of modern tragedy)




"Let us suppose we are confronted with a desperate thing—say Pimlico. If we think what is really best for Pimlico we shall find the thread of thought leads to the throne or the mystic and the arbitrary. It is not enough for a man to disapprove of Pimlico: in that case he will merely cut his throat or move to Chelsea. Nor, certainly, is it enough for a man to approve of Pimlico: for then it will remain Pimlico, which would be awful. The only way out of it seems to be for somebody to love Pimlico: to love it with a transcendental tie and without any earthly reason. If there arose a man who loved Pimlico, then Pimlico would rise into ivory towers and golden pinnacles; Pimlico would attire herself as a woman does when she is loved. For decoration is not given to hide horrible things: but to decorate things already adorable. A mother does not give her child a blue bow because he is so ugly without it. A lover does not give a girl a necklace to hide her neck. If men loved Pimlico as mothers love children, arbitrarily, because it is theirs, Pimlico in a year or two might be fairer than Florence. Some readers will say that this is a mere fantasy. I answer that this is the actual history of mankind. This, as a fact, is how cities did grow great. Go back to the darkest roots of civilization and you will find them knotted round some sacred stone or encircling some sacred well. People first paid honour to a spot and afterwards gained glory for it. Men did not love Rome because she was great. She was great because they had loved her.

… The man who is most likely to ruin the place he loves is exactly the man who loves it with a reason. The man who will improve the place is the man who loves it without a reason. If a man loves some feature of Pimlico (which seems unlikely), he may find himself defending that feature against Pimlico itself. But if he simply loves Pimlico itself, he may lay it waste and turn it into the New Jerusalem."



make no mistake... we are no greater than the broken cities that raise us, or the people that make it what it is.. or is not. we become beautiful and truly human when we are relentlessly loved and exalted, amidst the dark reality of our given nature.

Something we Long and Strive for..

Perhaps we must work for and chase joy, rather than sit and wait for it to bestow itself upon us...

"I'm Hurting Inside"
Written by a devout Rastafarian and someone I could learn a fair amount from

when i was just a little child
(little child)
happiness was there awhile
(there awhile)
and from me, it...
it slipped one day (ay)
happiness
come back I say

cause if you don't come
i've got to go looking...
for happiness

well if you don't come
i've got to go looking...
god, for happiness... happiness

say that
say i'm hurting
(inside) and its no...
i'm hurting
i'm hurting
deep inside

oh good god now

oh hear my cry
hear my cry
yeah my my my my my my my cry

been together like school children
(school children)
then you hurt me just in vain
(just in vain)
oh...
lord, i'm your little child
(little child)
oh
happiness come back awhile

cause if you don't come
i'm gong a looking
for happiness
the road is dangerous

cause if you don't come
i've got to go looking
for happiness...happiness

said I'm...
don't you know i'm...
i'm hurting, hurting inside

oh i'm hurting

who cares
who cares

does the one who love
oh
feel the pain
feel the pain

does the one who love
feel the pain
feel the pain

(been together)
been together like school children

what is goodness?

Personal Ideas and Reflections from the Reality of Goodness

It is a crying shame how little the “well-off” American knows about the sick, criminalized, and socially stigmatized. For if we did, I cannot help but think that our craving for personal grace and mercy, as well as our desire to care for those in need, would have no limit.

This isn’t necessarily a “piece,” as much as it is the natural, written product of an hour-long session with an individual suffering from major depression, paranoid schizophrenia, severe substance abuse, and borderline personality disorder. It is by no chance that this individual ended up this way. This person is a product of environment- an often dark world that has chosen to place their heavy burdens on the vulnerability of another.

So many of us (if not the largest majority) truly believe that we are in control of our lives and that we have earned the things we own and have achieved. Contrary to popular opinion, this is an illusion of a gift to spoil the undeserving child.

The reality of goodness is that simply that none of us are good. The only difference between “us and them” is that unlike us, they cannot afford the luxuries to cover up the vast amount of wrong-doings, innate within the darkest caverns of their soul. Make no mistake- no matter what great suit of fig-leaves we choose to dress ourselves in, we are all moral lepers. Bankrupt of goodness, we are all beggars.

Social Darwinism, Capitalism, Ayn Rand, and... The Gospel.

The following words come from 20th-century, Russian-American philosopher, Ayn Rand:

"My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute."

"The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. But to win it requires total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence, which is man, for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the morality of life and yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth."

These are fighting words against a church that adamantly believes in putting their lives before the altar of an omniscient, omnipotent being who instructs the individual to put the needs of others on the same level as their own. These also often seem to conflict with certain Socialist ideals that often seem to coincide with a fair amount Scriptural standings.

Even in our current recession, the world economy has still sky-rocketed over only the past 150 years (in light of the past 2,000) (www.ggdc.net), the level of income has significantly risen for even the U.S. poor (www.census.gov), world poverty has dropped over 10% in the last twenty years (Money, Greed, and God, Richards, J.), free markets are more efficiently meeting basic needs (www.ers.usda.gov & www.heritage.org), and longer lifespans exist for growing economies (www.gapminder.org).

With words that exalt the individual above all else and statistics that show the powerful influence of capitalist venture and often greed, how do Christians respond to an commonly preached Gospel that may speak otherwise? How do such statements and a similar inquiry coincide with what is found in Matthew 22? Is there a difference between the Objectivism and Capitalism that Ms. Rand speaks of and that of what Scripture actually says on such issues?

Is Capitalism the problem? Although Ayn Rand may hold quite a bit of truth in her writings, is there still room for certain errors that can only be reconciled with something greater? Far beyond a present and tangible well-being, where is true Joy found? What implications do such philosophies have on a day and state-of-mind past our own? What role does the soul (presuming such reality) play in these theories? Where do we respond and how are the answers to such questions manifested in every nook and cranny of the lives that we claim to be with ultimate purpose?

As seen within, this does not appear to be a post with answers, but simply questions that might serve as a stepping-off point for the People to further investigate. I am humbled by my lack definitive response. I await the day to know and act upon more.

the inescapable magnitude of pride.

'This sin has been described by Saint Augustine as the result of pride, of the movement whereby a creature (that is, an essentially dependent being whose principle of existence lies not in itself, but in another) tries to set up on its own, to exist for itself. Such a sin requires no complex social conditions, no extended experience, no great intellectual development. From the moment a creature becomes aware of God as God and of itself as self, the terrible alternative of choosing God or self for the centre is opened to it. This sin is committed daily by young children and ignorant peasants as well as by sophisticated society: it is the fall in every individual life, and in each day of each individual life, the basic sin behind all particular sins:

at this very moment you and I are either committing it, or about to commit it, or repenting it.'

-Mr. Clive Staples, The Problem of Pain

Consequences of Insincerity

(Acts 19: 13-16.

Some Jews who went around driving out evil spirits tried to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who were demon-possessed. They would say, "In the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out." Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this. One day, the evil spirit answered them, "Jesus I know, and I know about Paul, but who are you?" Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them an overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.

If we resist the devil by faith in Christ, he will flee from us; but if we think to resist him by the using of Christ's name, or his works, as a spell or charm, Satan will prevail against us -M. Henry

This concept has been running through my mind for quite some time now. Surprisingly enough, it has taken a fair amount of time for me to dig this passage up and consider it, within its proper context.

What does this passage mean to me? What are its implications for the 21st century church? Why is such a concept constantly knocking at my door?

I am constantly grieving the lack of sincerity within the church, as well as rejoicing when I find any whisper of honesty amongst these same people at any given time. Oh, how truly tragic is it to recently hear of so many "spiritual" men leaving their wife, after decades of marriage, supposedly because the love was never there in the first place, and was instead a simple product of social standing. It has been such a plague of sorrow to hear of people abandoning any pursuit of Truth, because they never meant to look for it in the first place, but simply went along with what was presented before them for the sake of convenience. My heart carries an overwhelming burden for some of my dearest friends who come from the pastor-families, which often bring along secrecy at any cost, for the sake of saving face and... "saving souls," as if any human had to ultimately do with the eternal well-being of anyone else. I have watched and experienced the pain of those who choose such ill-fated secrecy, and much like those who claim the name of God, but do not trust in the liberating work of salvation, they are proverbially beaten and bloodied, while often destroying the lives of others, in the process.

There is no beauty in this. There is joy. I do not see Truth in this. There can be no future, if we continue to try and hide our short-comings and imperfections from the reality of the situation, with this "great suit of fig-leaves" that we've made for ourselves.

Much like Gestalt Theory, which have root in some of the Theological findings of Immanuel Kant, true change only comes about when we take on full acceptance of what is, as opposed to what should be. When we surrender to the way things actually are, we finally allow ourselves to be who we are. We are moved by love. We then begin the undeniable and impenetrable process of being restored to back to what we were created to be. Let us find comfort in sincerity and openness. Let us be liberated by forgiveness, and let us shun any dishonesty or shame that keeps us from such liberation. I put hope in the idea that it is here that we find ourselves. It is here that we can begin to see see Truth.